It's been a couple of days since I've written and quite honestly, A LOT has been going on.
My sister received THE phone call. Our second choice of facility for mom called to say they could offer her a bed. YIPPEE! Wait....oh....
My mother at 55 years old is going to be a resident in a nursing home. Huh....... I NEVER thought this is where I would be at 35. Only OLD people go to nursing homes. Old people with families who didn't care or no families at all.
The current situation in my life has DRASTICALLY changed my original opinions. We, as her family, DID care enough to keep her at home as long as we felt we could handle her. WE CAN'T ANYMORE. PERIOD.
I have good memories of my mom. She LOVED people and would do anything for them. She was an EXTREMELY hard worker. There were people that when their parents passed away, she stepped into that role. She helped me through some REALLY crappy stuff.
Mental illness SUCKS!!! It just does and there is no nice way to say it. I don't mind so much that she doesn't remember me. My kids have been robbed of a grandma. When I think of my grandmas and all the memories I've made with them that I will NEVER forget--my heart just breaks for my kids.
As I write, I am getting teary-eyed. I can't explain it.... I lost my mom 3 years ago. It has been such a LONG, strange road to travel. I continue to pray that the Lord forgives the attitudes I have had on and off over the last couple of months. I feel like the WORST. DAUGHTER. EVER. I miss her so much!!!
Tomorrow, December 7, 2011, I will accompany my sister in placing our mother into a nursing home.
Tonight is the night before...............................
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Just Another Bump in the Road
Well, it's been a few days since I've written anything. Thanksgiving was AWESOME!
I was so sure that placing mom in a nursing home was tied up. The place we chose was beautiful and close to all of us. I thought my sister and I had covered all the issues and asked all the right questions. It looked like a slam dunk. All tied up with a bow on top. Then my sister called.......
They decided NOT to accept our application for mom. She wasn't really given any specific reason. The main administrator, Dave, wasn't there so my sister was talking to someone else. She was only guessing that something in her medical records swayed the decision.
Anyway, BUMP!!! Something I thought was going so smooth just got shuffled. So back to the drawing board. My sister put in another application at another home. Just waiting to hear.........
On a slightly different note: I have a check-up with my oncologist tomorrow. UGH!!! I know I have nothing to be afraid of, I guess. Every check-up is just a reminder that I AM A CANCER PATIENT. Although I think of myself as a survivor, each check-up stirs up those scary feelings. What if something is growing somewhere else? What if........ Ridiculous, I know. God has seen me this far, He won't let me walk alone now.
"I will NEVER leave thee, NOR forsake thee....."
"I will cover thee with the palm of MY HAND....."
O.K., GOD, I AM HOLDING ON!!!!!!!!
I was so sure that placing mom in a nursing home was tied up. The place we chose was beautiful and close to all of us. I thought my sister and I had covered all the issues and asked all the right questions. It looked like a slam dunk. All tied up with a bow on top. Then my sister called.......
They decided NOT to accept our application for mom. She wasn't really given any specific reason. The main administrator, Dave, wasn't there so my sister was talking to someone else. She was only guessing that something in her medical records swayed the decision.
Anyway, BUMP!!! Something I thought was going so smooth just got shuffled. So back to the drawing board. My sister put in another application at another home. Just waiting to hear.........
On a slightly different note: I have a check-up with my oncologist tomorrow. UGH!!! I know I have nothing to be afraid of, I guess. Every check-up is just a reminder that I AM A CANCER PATIENT. Although I think of myself as a survivor, each check-up stirs up those scary feelings. What if something is growing somewhere else? What if........ Ridiculous, I know. God has seen me this far, He won't let me walk alone now.
"I will NEVER leave thee, NOR forsake thee....."
"I will cover thee with the palm of MY HAND....."
O.K., GOD, I AM HOLDING ON!!!!!!!!
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Bittersweet Thanksgiving
I am so very thankful this year. Five years ago, I struggled through Thanksgiving dinner feeling awful because I had chemo. the day before. Here I am, five years later, still kickin'. I am thankful for my husband, Dan, who has walked some of the darkest days right by my side. I am sure EVERY wife feels this way about their husband, but mine is TRULY a God-send. Through giving back two babies, through breast cancer and treatment, he has been the shoulder I've cried on and the ears I have talked off. He grounds me when I have totally disconnected from reality. I can honestly say, without any shadow of doubt, I would be LOST without him.
Recently, he's walked uncharted territory with me. My mother, who is ONLY 55 years old, will be placed in a nursing home...permanently. She started 3 years ago with symptoms of mental illness. She does not know who I am as her daughter. She does not know either of my siblings as her children. She cannot do the basics of personal hygiene. In the last 3 years, I have watched my mom deteriorate into something similar to a 4 year old. It has been heart-wrenching. I have had fits of rage that have scared me. I have had weeks of crying over the loss of her.
Now, thinking of putting her in a facility, I am faced with so many conflicting emotions.
Anger-that it has come to this
Sadness-watching my dad deal with being "single"
Guilt-feeling like THE worst daughter in the world
Relief-I don't need to take day-to-day care of her
I suppose all of these are normal. It does, however, cloud over my holiday.
I have determined to rejoice in the fact that God put ALL the pieces of this puzzle together. HE has been in control of all of it.
HIS TIMING IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN MINE!!!!!
Recently, he's walked uncharted territory with me. My mother, who is ONLY 55 years old, will be placed in a nursing home...permanently. She started 3 years ago with symptoms of mental illness. She does not know who I am as her daughter. She does not know either of my siblings as her children. She cannot do the basics of personal hygiene. In the last 3 years, I have watched my mom deteriorate into something similar to a 4 year old. It has been heart-wrenching. I have had fits of rage that have scared me. I have had weeks of crying over the loss of her.
Now, thinking of putting her in a facility, I am faced with so many conflicting emotions.
Anger-that it has come to this
Sadness-watching my dad deal with being "single"
Guilt-feeling like THE worst daughter in the world
Relief-I don't need to take day-to-day care of her
I suppose all of these are normal. It does, however, cloud over my holiday.
I have determined to rejoice in the fact that God put ALL the pieces of this puzzle together. HE has been in control of all of it.
HIS TIMING IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN MINE!!!!!
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Leaving Pieces of my Heart Around the World
The first piece was left in Siberia, Russia in January/February 2005. I will never forget the feeling of stepping off a plane onto Russian soil. For one thing, it was minus 26 degrees. FREEZING!! The kind of cold that the hairs in my nostrils instantly froze together. It didn't matter.....I was in RUSSIA. Those two weeks were just what my heart needed. We went into government controlled orphanages. Those children were so beautiful! I wanted to bring ALL of them home with me. Drop a piece of my heart.
Needless to say, I was changed. I went to Belarus (between Poland and Ukraine) in 2006. Another piece in another country. I met children that were affected by the Chernobyl incident. Their parents suffered from the radiation. Passed the effects on through genetics. Vision problems, heart defects, brain malformations. All beautiful in my eyes.
Next up, Jamaica in 2007. This was a completely different trip for me. I was recovering from Chemotherapy after being diagnosed with breast cancer (more on that later). I fell instantly in love with those dark chocolate colored kiddos. Another little piece of my heart.
The most SPIRITUALLY impacting trip was in 2008. I, along with about 20 other North Americans, went to El Salvador in Central America. I had been a Christian for most of my life. I knew God heard me when I prayed. A lot, though, I had just taken for granted. One morning, I was having my quiet time and devotions. As I was praying, I heard Someone speaking TO me. God was AUDIBLY talking to me. He gave me a vision. There were 100 ears of corn and we (the trip participants) were handing them out to the people. Those "ears of corn" represented Spanish bibles. How in the world were we to get 100 Spanish Bibles? God is AWESOME!! He brought to us someone who had connections with the Bible Society in El Salvador. We took up an offering to pay for the Bibles and.......it was exactly the amount we needed......to the penny. Over and over again, God showed Himself on that trip. BIG piece of my heart left there.
The biggest pieces were yet to be left. In 2009, I went to a country in North Africa. For the sake of privacy, cannot publish which country. This trip impacted me so intensely for reasons I am still discovering. Part of it was the fact I was going in almost "undercover". Because of the political government, this was the first trip I could NOT display my Christianity. I met and became fast friends with many incredible people over there. Huge chunks of my heart.
The best thing: I RETURNED TO THIS SAME COUNTRY in 2010. It was incredible to return and reunite with my friends. They were more than friends to me now. A few of them still refer to me as their American sister. FAMILY. I loved these people! Loved them. Bigger pieces were left. I had already planned to return in 2011. The political climate changed over the course of the year--for the worse. It wasn't going to be safe to go back into the country. I was crushed! I desperately wanted to see my foreign 'family'. It wasn't going to happen.
God had another plan. I went to Israel and discovered my spiritual heritage. I walked some of the same roads my Savior walked centuries before me. It was just what my heart needed. Funny how God knows EXACTLY what His kids need.
The chasm is still there..........just not as deep.
Needless to say, I was changed. I went to Belarus (between Poland and Ukraine) in 2006. Another piece in another country. I met children that were affected by the Chernobyl incident. Their parents suffered from the radiation. Passed the effects on through genetics. Vision problems, heart defects, brain malformations. All beautiful in my eyes.
Next up, Jamaica in 2007. This was a completely different trip for me. I was recovering from Chemotherapy after being diagnosed with breast cancer (more on that later). I fell instantly in love with those dark chocolate colored kiddos. Another little piece of my heart.
The most SPIRITUALLY impacting trip was in 2008. I, along with about 20 other North Americans, went to El Salvador in Central America. I had been a Christian for most of my life. I knew God heard me when I prayed. A lot, though, I had just taken for granted. One morning, I was having my quiet time and devotions. As I was praying, I heard Someone speaking TO me. God was AUDIBLY talking to me. He gave me a vision. There were 100 ears of corn and we (the trip participants) were handing them out to the people. Those "ears of corn" represented Spanish bibles. How in the world were we to get 100 Spanish Bibles? God is AWESOME!! He brought to us someone who had connections with the Bible Society in El Salvador. We took up an offering to pay for the Bibles and.......it was exactly the amount we needed......to the penny. Over and over again, God showed Himself on that trip. BIG piece of my heart left there.
The biggest pieces were yet to be left. In 2009, I went to a country in North Africa. For the sake of privacy, cannot publish which country. This trip impacted me so intensely for reasons I am still discovering. Part of it was the fact I was going in almost "undercover". Because of the political government, this was the first trip I could NOT display my Christianity. I met and became fast friends with many incredible people over there. Huge chunks of my heart.
The best thing: I RETURNED TO THIS SAME COUNTRY in 2010. It was incredible to return and reunite with my friends. They were more than friends to me now. A few of them still refer to me as their American sister. FAMILY. I loved these people! Loved them. Bigger pieces were left. I had already planned to return in 2011. The political climate changed over the course of the year--for the worse. It wasn't going to be safe to go back into the country. I was crushed! I desperately wanted to see my foreign 'family'. It wasn't going to happen.
God had another plan. I went to Israel and discovered my spiritual heritage. I walked some of the same roads my Savior walked centuries before me. It was just what my heart needed. Funny how God knows EXACTLY what His kids need.
The chasm is still there..........just not as deep.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Here goes nuthin'!
First, let me go on record by saying: I am NOT a writer. This is just a spot for me to emotionally vent (or as I like to say 'vomit'). I may not always make sense, complete an entire thought, or have any great insight. I go into this not expecting anyone anywhere to care what I say here. This is just my attempt to keep myself sane and to have, in writing, somewhere I can reflect on what a great heavenly Father I have and how grateful I am to be alive.
All that being said, I'd like to explain the title of my blog. I am 35 years old and have been though some of the most trying experiences in my life. Have you ever been on an amusement park ride and held on so tight that your knuckles turned white? My husband tells the story of one time he was driving either in New Jersey or New York with his mom and she was so scared, he saw she was holding on so tight her knuckles were white. THAT is how tight I hold on to God! Over the course of this blog, I am going to recall those times when I wanted to let go, but something made me hold tighter.
Let's start at the beginning. I grew up in a VERY middle-class family. I asked Jesus Christ into my heart at 5 years old at a Vacation Bible School. As a teenager, rededicated my life to Him and wanted to be a missionary. At 13, wanted to go to Russia. Didn't happen, but 15 years later stepped off a plane onto Russian soil. Wait, getting ahead of myself. Graduated high school and went to college. Was in a 4 year program then.......fell in love. Changed to a 2 year program and 3 weeks after graduating college, got married and moved to New Jersey. ALL I WANTED TO BE WAS A WIFE & MOTHER. One down, one to go. Married in May; pregnant by October.
Along came Robert Harrison Martz. Only had him for 13 days. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Basically a big umbrella for--"We have no reasonable explanation why your child is gone". Roller coaster drop #1.
Move back to Pennsylvania. Try to move on with ginormous CHASM in my heart. Bought a house in February 1999; expecting again by May.
Enter Ryan Lee Martz. I didn't think the hole would ever close, but it did--slightly. For the first 3 months of Ryan's life, I was TERRIFIED something was going to happen to him. In hindsight, I was CLASSIC post-partum depressed. I was scared to bond at all with Ryan. I had terrible nightmares that I would do something to him. My mom spent days and nights at my house, until she sat me down and verbally smacked some sense into me.
Two years later, my baby girl, Natalie Pearl Martz joined our family. The whole closes a little more. Fourteen months later, the week of my sister's wedding---SURPRISE!!!! Another Martz is on his/her way! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
O.K., regroup.Lost Gave back baby boy, had another baby boy, had baby girl, done, right? Nope. Two babies in diapers and both wanting 'Mommy' at the same time. Well, it worked for almost 2 months. Roller coaster drop #2. Have you ever heard 'Lightning doesn't strike the same place twice'? It does. I am proof. Just shy of 2 months old, I lost gave back Matthew David Martz.
My emotional "rebirth" happened in 2005 when a 15-year-old dream became reality. I was in Russia, more specifically Siberia.
Stay tuned..............................................
All that being said, I'd like to explain the title of my blog. I am 35 years old and have been though some of the most trying experiences in my life. Have you ever been on an amusement park ride and held on so tight that your knuckles turned white? My husband tells the story of one time he was driving either in New Jersey or New York with his mom and she was so scared, he saw she was holding on so tight her knuckles were white. THAT is how tight I hold on to God! Over the course of this blog, I am going to recall those times when I wanted to let go, but something made me hold tighter.
Let's start at the beginning. I grew up in a VERY middle-class family. I asked Jesus Christ into my heart at 5 years old at a Vacation Bible School. As a teenager, rededicated my life to Him and wanted to be a missionary. At 13, wanted to go to Russia. Didn't happen, but 15 years later stepped off a plane onto Russian soil. Wait, getting ahead of myself. Graduated high school and went to college. Was in a 4 year program then.......fell in love. Changed to a 2 year program and 3 weeks after graduating college, got married and moved to New Jersey. ALL I WANTED TO BE WAS A WIFE & MOTHER. One down, one to go. Married in May; pregnant by October.
Along came Robert Harrison Martz. Only had him for 13 days. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Basically a big umbrella for--"We have no reasonable explanation why your child is gone". Roller coaster drop #1.
Move back to Pennsylvania. Try to move on with ginormous CHASM in my heart. Bought a house in February 1999; expecting again by May.
Enter Ryan Lee Martz. I didn't think the hole would ever close, but it did--slightly. For the first 3 months of Ryan's life, I was TERRIFIED something was going to happen to him. In hindsight, I was CLASSIC post-partum depressed. I was scared to bond at all with Ryan. I had terrible nightmares that I would do something to him. My mom spent days and nights at my house, until she sat me down and verbally smacked some sense into me.
Two years later, my baby girl, Natalie Pearl Martz joined our family. The whole closes a little more. Fourteen months later, the week of my sister's wedding---SURPRISE!!!! Another Martz is on his/her way! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
O.K., regroup.
My emotional "rebirth" happened in 2005 when a 15-year-old dream became reality. I was in Russia, more specifically Siberia.
Stay tuned..............................................
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