Here goes nuthin'!

First, let me go on record by saying:  I am NOT a writer.  This is just a spot for me to emotionally vent (or as I like to say 'vomit').  I may not always make sense, complete an entire thought, or have any great insight.  I go into this not expecting anyone anywhere to care what I say here.  This is just my attempt to keep myself sane and to have, in writing, somewhere I can reflect on what a great heavenly Father I have and how grateful I am to be alive.

All that being said, I'd like to explain the title of my blog.  I am 35 years old and have been though some of the most trying experiences in my life.  Have you ever been on an amusement park ride and held on so tight that your knuckles turned white?  My husband tells the story of one time he was driving either in New Jersey or New York with his mom and she was so scared, he saw she was holding on so tight her knuckles were white.  THAT is how tight I hold on to God!  Over the course of this blog, I am going to recall those times when I wanted to let go, but something made me hold tighter.

Let's start at the beginning.  I grew up in a VERY middle-class family.  I asked Jesus Christ into my heart at 5 years old at a Vacation Bible School.  As a teenager, rededicated my life to Him and wanted to be a missionary.  At 13, wanted to go to Russia.  Didn't happen, but 15 years later stepped off a plane onto Russian soil.  Wait, getting ahead of myself.  Graduated high school and went to college.  Was in a 4 year program then.......fell in love.  Changed to a 2 year program and 3 weeks after graduating college, got married and moved to New Jersey.  ALL I WANTED TO BE WAS A WIFE & MOTHER.  One down, one to go.  Married in May; pregnant by October.

Along came Robert Harrison Martz.  Only had him for 13 days.  Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.  Basically a big umbrella for--"We have no reasonable explanation why your child is gone".  Roller coaster drop #1.

Move back to Pennsylvania. Try to move on with ginormous CHASM in my heart.  Bought a house in February 1999; expecting again by May.

Enter Ryan Lee Martz. I didn't think the hole would ever close, but it did--slightly.  For the first 3 months of Ryan's life, I was TERRIFIED something was going to happen to him.  In hindsight, I was CLASSIC post-partum depressed.  I was scared to bond at all with Ryan.  I had terrible nightmares that I would do something to him.  My mom spent days and nights at my house, until she sat me down and verbally smacked some sense into me.

Two years later, my baby girl, Natalie Pearl Martz joined our family. The whole closes a little more.  Fourteen months later, the week of my sister's wedding---SURPRISE!!!!  Another Martz is on his/her way!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

O.K., regroup.  Lost Gave back baby boy, had another baby boy, had baby girl, done, right?  Nope.  Two babies in diapers and both wanting 'Mommy' at the same time.  Well, it worked for almost 2 months.  Roller coaster drop #2.  Have you ever heard 'Lightning doesn't strike the same place twice'?  It does.  I am proof.  Just shy of 2 months old, I lost gave back Matthew David Martz.

My emotional "rebirth" happened in 2005 when a 15-year-old dream became reality.  I was in Russia, more specifically Siberia.

Stay tuned..............................................