I am so very thankful this year. Five years ago, I struggled through Thanksgiving dinner feeling awful because I had chemo. the day before. Here I am, five years later, still kickin'. I am thankful for my husband, Dan, who has walked some of the darkest days right by my side. I am sure EVERY wife feels this way about their husband, but mine is TRULY a God-send. Through giving back two babies, through breast cancer and treatment, he has been the shoulder I've cried on and the ears I have talked off. He grounds me when I have totally disconnected from reality. I can honestly say, without any shadow of doubt, I would be LOST without him.
Recently, he's walked uncharted territory with me. My mother, who is ONLY 55 years old, will be placed in a nursing home...permanently. She started 3 years ago with symptoms of mental illness. She does not know who I am as her daughter. She does not know either of my siblings as her children. She cannot do the basics of personal hygiene. In the last 3 years, I have watched my mom deteriorate into something similar to a 4 year old. It has been heart-wrenching. I have had fits of rage that have scared me. I have had weeks of crying over the loss of her.
Now, thinking of putting her in a facility, I am faced with so many conflicting emotions.
Anger-that it has come to this
Sadness-watching my dad deal with being "single"
Guilt-feeling like THE worst daughter in the world
Relief-I don't need to take day-to-day care of her
I suppose all of these are normal. It does, however, cloud over my holiday.
I have determined to rejoice in the fact that God put ALL the pieces of this puzzle together. HE has been in control of all of it.
HIS TIMING IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN MINE!!!!!
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