The Night Before...

It's been a couple of days since I've written and quite honestly, A LOT has been going on.

My sister received THE phone call.  Our second choice of facility for mom called to say they could offer her a bed.  YIPPEE!  Wait....oh....

My mother at 55 years old is going to be a resident in a nursing home.  Huh.......  I NEVER thought this is where I would be at 35.  Only OLD people go to nursing homes.  Old people with families who didn't care or no families at all.

The current situation in my life has DRASTICALLY changed my original opinions.  We, as her family, DID care enough to keep her at home as long as we felt we could handle her.  WE CAN'T ANYMORE.  PERIOD.

I have good memories of my mom.  She LOVED people and would do anything for them.  She was an EXTREMELY hard worker.  There were people that when their parents passed away, she stepped into that role.  She helped me through some REALLY crappy stuff.

Mental illness SUCKS!!!  It just does and there is no nice way to say it.  I don't mind so much that she doesn't remember me.  My kids have been robbed of a grandma.  When I think of my grandmas and all the memories I've made with them that I will NEVER forget--my heart just breaks for my kids.

As I write, I am getting teary-eyed.  I can't explain it....  I lost my mom 3 years ago.  It has been such a LONG, strange road to travel.  I continue to pray that the Lord forgives the attitudes I have had on and off over the last couple of months.  I feel like the WORST. DAUGHTER. EVER.  I miss her so much!!!

Tomorrow, December 7, 2011, I will accompany my sister in placing our mother into a nursing home.

Tonight is the night before...............................

Just Another Bump in the Road

Well, it's been a few days since I've written anything.  Thanksgiving was AWESOME! 

I was so sure that placing mom in a nursing home was tied up.  The place we chose was beautiful and close to all of us.  I thought my sister and I had covered all the issues and asked all the right questions.  It looked like a slam dunk.  All tied up with a bow on top.  Then my sister called.......

They decided NOT to accept our application for mom.  She wasn't really given any specific reason.  The main administrator, Dave, wasn't there so my sister was talking to someone else.  She was only guessing that something in her medical records swayed the decision.

Anyway, BUMP!!!  Something I thought was going so smooth just got shuffled.  So back to the drawing board.  My sister put in another application at another home.  Just waiting to hear.........

On a slightly different note:  I have a check-up with my oncologist tomorrow.  UGH!!!  I know I have nothing to be afraid of, I guess.  Every check-up is just a reminder that I AM A CANCER PATIENT.  Although I think of myself as a survivor, each check-up stirs up those scary feelings.  What if something is growing somewhere else?  What if........  Ridiculous, I know.  God has seen me this far, He won't let me walk alone now.

"I will NEVER leave thee, NOR forsake thee....."
"I will cover thee with the palm of MY HAND....."

O.K., GOD, I AM HOLDING ON!!!!!!!!